Arsenic Secrets
Alex Rider could feel the rough brick wall scratching his back, drawing his blood, but he couldn't find the strength to care about the flashes of pain the rivulet gouges were causing him. Music pumped loudly through him - violent, screaming music that threatened to tear apart any kind of resistance he had left to the undeniable charm of fuck buddy friendships. The intensity of this was too much.
This was Wolf's body tightly locked against his, pulling him and stretching his every nerve, making him bite his lip to hold off on moaning. Their mouths bumped with clumsy skill and Wolf's neck tightened sharply. Their breathing was shallow and harsh, melding with the rhythm that Alex could feel vibrating through him.
"Fuck it, Alex." Wolf’s knees buckled with pleasure and Alex grinned, pushing his shoulders and forcing him to sit down. He pulled Alex's arms around his neck and carefully sat on the floor. They didn't need to say anything more than those three breathless words.
Their tongues battled savagely. There was no word for this. It was something stronger than love, something more primal pulling them together. Both gasped breathlessly, the only conversation possible carried out in groans, low moans and slurred names. Alex took advantage of his position, fighting for control of the vicious kiss.
"Lashing out the action, returning the reaction,
Weak are ripped and torn away,
Hypnotizing power, crushing all that cower."
Wolf rolled them over, mouths never disconnecting from the brutal, tangled, needing kiss. He threw Alex's left leg over his shoulder and Alex moaned loudly. With anyone else, he'd have immediately stiffened, embarrassed. But with Wolf, sex was like it was in books and movies. There was no awkwardness. It was all pure instinct driving both of them and if that was so wrong, fuck being right. Besides, Wolf groaned appreciatively. Alex pushed his shoulder against Wolf's, sending them tumbling again.
He sucked on Wolf's neck, eliciting a loud moan from the older man. Grinning, sensing victory, Alex pushed on and Wolf groaned his name reverently amidst a string of swear words. They'd be fucking spasmodically for the past three months but it had never been so connected, so compelling. Wolf gripped Alex's waist, assisting in his movements. Alex had never imagined that sex could mean so much or feel so good or take him so high. How could any drug or emotion compare to something so forceful? How could sex with anybody else ever be better?
All thoughts vanished from Alex as Wolf sucked on his bottom lip while grinding against him, driving away anything but the unbearable pleasure Alex felt coursing through his every vein.
"Smashing through the boundaries,
Lunacy has found me."
Wolf's eyes darkened as his thrusts became rougher, speeding up the tempo. Alex's breaths came only in moans, disintegrating to a loud gasp when he felt the familiar explosion rack his entire body from forehead to toes in less than a second, forcing him forward to collapse onto Wolf's muscular chest. It took a minute for him to realize exactly where he was. Wolf chuckled roughly as Alex rolled off him onto the brown carpet of his living room, sucking down air by the lungful.
"Pounding out aggression,
Turns into obsession."
Neither spoke as he sat up with a groan, rolled over, and redressed. Wolf didn't move from his spot on the floor as Alex grabbed his backpack. It was only when Alex's face contorted in pain as his back suddenly cramped that Wolf sat up quickly, sending the teen a concerned look. Alex cleared his face of anything and retrieved his jacket, zipping it up before turning towards the exit.
"Tomorrow?" Alex questioned quietly, still slightly breathless.
"After school. I'll be at the corner," Wolf replied shortly, lifting himself slowly to his feet.
"Perfect."
Alex stepped out the door, closing it carefully and making sure it was locked before stepping back into the real world: a world where he and Wolf didn't interact, didn't even see each other.
He made his way out of Wolf's apartment building, smiling discreetly. Inside, he was dancing.
There were ten minutes left in school and Alex Rider was dying.
He flipped through his copy twice and yawned, hoping he looked nonchalant. He tried desperately to maintain some kind of outward composure. He wasn't going to be the one to give in and text Wolf. He wasn't. He'd just play it cool and maybe distract himself until Wolf gave in. Which he would, Alex was certain.
Five minutes later, Alex was squirming in his seat, humming quietly. He reached for his phone, about to surrender, when it vibrated in his hand. He grinned.
Hurry up. If you're not at my car in ten minutes, there'll be hell to pay. Wolf.
Alex chuckled, smirking. Thank God Wolf had given in first. He just loved having the upper hand.
Greedy, aren't we?
Alex grinned to himself before his phone buzzed again in less than thirty seconds.
I could go other places with my greed....
No fucking way was Wolf getting off without Alex.
Don't even fucking think about it.
The bell rang and Alex bundled his books into his backpack, barging out of the room as quickly as he could without sprinting. He weaved rapidly through the halls, glad for once that he didn't have to worry about anybody talking to him outside of class. Not even Tom spoke to him anymore.
Wolf was parked just at the corner, as usual. That corner, it was their refuge. Completely shielded by trees and two hundred yards from the school gates, Wolf could pick him up and speed home without any witnesses. It was a little extreme, but the sense of danger only added to the game.
Alex slid into the passenger seat and shut the door, Wolf's lips brutally assaulting his before he could slip into his seatbelt. The soldier wasn't usually so needy. Alex pushed firmly on Wolf's chest and the older man's forehead furrowed slightly before Alex nodded towards the steering wheel. Suddenly illuminated, Wolf pulled away smoothly with a grunted complaint about having to wait.
Wolf's driving was rather... erratic. He took speed limits to be mildly advised precautions, skidding through back streets of London and turning impossibly around tight corners. It was just a ten minute drive to Wolf's house, a silent drive. He screeched to a stop, pulling Alex from the car by the hand before the engine had even silenced and yanked him into his apartment building and up the back stairs to his flat.
Alex shed his school jumper and backpack as Wolf dragged him into his bedroom where he sat, squirming on the bed as Wolf scrolled through his CDs, chuckling occasionally and muttering about Alex's lack of taste and terrible sense of music. He finally settled on a song Alex vaguely remembered Jack liked, turning around with a smirk. Drums and guitar fused together making Alex sit up, suddenly intrigued.
"You're such a fucking tease, y'know that Cub?" Wolf growled, grin widening when he saw that Alex was listening to the music.
"Can't be a tease if I'm going to fuck you eventually, can I?" Alex replied, chuckling.
Wolf's chuckle was hoarse, his lips curving into a crooked smile as he pulled his t-shirt over his head, diving on the bed to kiss Alex just as forcefully as he had in the car. Alex yanked Wolf on top of him, reaching for his belt. Wolf swatted his hands away, laughing again at Alex's inquisitive look. Their lips clashed again and again and Alex realized Wolf wanted him to listen to the song.
"God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime,
Remembering when you were mine,
In a still suburban town."
He nipped at Wolf's neck, biting and sucking up to behind his right ear. Wolf groaned loudly and Alex felt any tension just bleed out of Wolf's body, as easily as that.
"Bad day?" he asked, his hands running lightly across Wolf's stomach, eliciting another moan.
"The worst. Got chewed out by my fucking major, had to fill in a shitload of paperwork and nearly got sent back to fucking Iraq for the third fucking time," Wolf growled, pressing closer to Alex. Their teeth bumped as Wolf invaded Alex's mouth, rumbling with laughter.
"When every Thursday, I'd brave those mountain passes,
And you'd skip your early classes,
And we'd learn how our bodies worked."
Alex smiled as well as they broke contact, Wolf grinning like the Cheshire fucking Cat.
"Nicely chosen song. Death Cab?" Alex asked. Wolf nodded wordlessly and allowed Alex's hands to skillfully take his belt out of the equation. He undid Alex's jeans just as soon as both of them heard the one sound that neither wanted to hear at that instant.
Eagle.
Banging loudly on Wolf's bedroom door.
Totally mullered.
"Wolf, open the fuck up! I knew where you kept the spare key and I fucking need a bed! Michelle kicked me out!"
They instantly stopped kissing. Wolf gulped down three ragged breaths, swore loudly, and slid to the side of the bed. He cradled his head in his arms, muttering darkly about murder, growling. Alex rolled onto the other side of the bed, frowning as Wolf got to his feet.
"Fuck", Wolf groaned, pulling his t-shirt back on over his head.
"Why the fuck are you locked in your room listening to Death Cab For Cutie anyway? Shit. You haven't got a girl in there, have you?" Eagle slurred through the door, obviously impatient. Alex bristled silently and Wolf opened his mouth to say something, anything to salvage the atmosphere. What did you say to the teenage spy you were fucking when he found out that you occasionally screwed other people?
"No. Do I need an excuse to just be left the fuck alone? Gimme a sec" Wolf responded, scowling. He winced and pulled on a baggy sweatshirt that fell below his waist in a transparent effort to conceal his obvious erection. Alex didn't bother looking up until he heard the door close, frustrated. It didn't surprise him that Wolf had left growling to himself.
He groaned, burying his head in Wolf's pillow. He didn't really care so much that Wolf occasionally went elsewhere for sex. It didn't really bother him. After all, they both went away on jobs regularly and he wasn't naive enough to believe Wolf would ever be endlessly faithful to him. What they had though, it was good. The sex was amazing and neither of them had to put up with the stress of a real relationship.
Life was good. Whatever it was they had, it was easy.
He grunted, lifting himself up and off the bed slowly. He had no idea how long Wolf was going to be and he couldn't leave without risking a run in with Eagle. He had his backpack but no way was he going to sit in Wolf's bedroom and do fucking homework. He sighed, bored, and straightened up his school shirt before wandering over to Wolf's bookshelf packed full of CD's.
It was one of the things Alex had never expected of Wolf, to have a fucking CD collection the size of a music shop. He'd never actually studied it properly before. He'd been in Wolf's room so many times, he was slightly surprised he'd never actually examined Wolf's massive bookshelves of music. Of course, he'd hardly been in the mindset to do so.
He scanned the artists slowly and had to admit begrudgingly that it was impressive. How much money had Wolf spent on music? The majority of the artists he didn't recognize, but he did note that there were many of them that he hadn't expected Wolf would enjoy. Maurice Ravel leaned against Led Zeppelin. The Prodigy reclined next to Frank Sinatra. Bizarrely, a Spice Girls album perched near the end of the row.
It was in that instant that Alex Rider realized just how little he actually knew about Wolf.
He knew his real name was Virgil Byrne. He knew that he had two freckles on the back of his neck and a birthmark above his heart. His lips clenched together when he was mildly irritated and his eyes went darker when he glared. He had a thin, long, pale scar on his leg that he'd never explained and many long-healed scratches on his knees from boyhood. He didn't have the tickles anywhere but his feet.
He had no idea of Wolf's hobbies, though. What did he do for fun besides listen to his eclectic music? Did he have any family? What had he wanted to be as a child? What college had he gone to? His favourite colour, food, song? Was he allergic to peanuts or cats or dogs?
Footsteps thumped down the hall and Alex relaxed. He'd know Wolf's thudding stride anywhere. The soldier entered the room and locked the door behind him, scowling. Alex sat back down on top of the bed and Wolf turned up the speakers, growling.
"He'll pass out in a couple of minutes. Anyway, he can't hear us."
Wolf's hands reached for the hem of Alex's school shirt and the seventeen year old frowned, batting them away easily.
"I'm not going to screw you while Eagle's asleep in your apartment."
"God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation,
I become what I always hated,
When I was with you then."
Wolf growled again. He walked across to his CDs and punched the stop button, packing the disc back into its plastic case roughly. Alex rolled his eyes. Usually Wolf treated his CDs reverently, packing them away almost lovingly. He scanned his shelves slowly, his back to Alex, searching through the titles for a new CD. Alex propped himself up on his elbows and watched, musing slightly over his epiphany.
"We don't know anything about each other, do we?"
Wolf turned slowly from where he was standing and frowned, raising an eyebrow in confusion. "What? That's horse shit. We do."
"Do we?" Alex inquired. Wolf frowned, confused and Alex pressed onwards in his explanation. "Until today, I didn't even notice just how... expansive your music collection is. I have no idea what interests you. You don't know what I want to do when I finish school. For fuck sake, I don't even know your middle name."
Wolf nodded, a slight look of illumination on his scowling face.
"So what? What's it matter? I don't want to know what you're going to study or who you're fucking besides me. It's easier this way, Cub. Cleaner to break off if we need to."
Alex heard the words clearly. They drilled into his skull, nestling in his brain and forcing him to face the reality. Wolf didn't want to know anything about him. He didn't want to know anything more than was absolutely necessary to fuck. Alex had never imagined even for one second that they had anything that could be real but to have it placed so sharply in front of him, to know just how Wolf saw him…
An easy fuck. That was all he was. Wolf didn't want anything from him but sex. He didn't want to share anything. He didn't even want to talk. Alex registered numbly that he felt a jolt at finding out just how simple Wolf's view was. A tiny part of him wondered just why he'd agreed to the arrangement in the first place. That was right. His resistance at the idea of a fuck buddy relationship had been screwed away by Wolf. Only they weren't much of buddies, were they?
"So, what? The sex is all that you're offering? That's fine. But I at least want to know who it is that I'm just screwing. Why does Eagle come here when his girlfriend dumps him? Why have you got a Spice Girls album?" Alex persisted, swallowing slowly.
"Point is, Cub, you don't need to know. Forget it, alright? It'll make things a lot easier" Wolf snapped back.
"My name is Alex. What the fuck am I even doing this for? Why the fuck am I having sex with you when you won't even fucking open up and tell me what the fuck it is that you do for fun?" Alex bit back, climbing off the bed and yanking his school jumper from the floor.
"What I do for fun? You! This isn't supposed to be a fucking fairytale love story, alright!? It's supposed to be easy, you fucking twat!" Wolf rumbled loudly, borderline yelling. Alex pulled on his school jumper and snatched up his backpack, racing out of Wolf's apartment. He felt something hot prickling the back of his eyes. Not tears. Just, something else. Definitely not fucking tears. What the fuck did he care if Wolf only wanted to fuck for fun? He'd felt the same before he'd started fucking thinking. And he'd only been thinking because of Eagle.
Fucking Eagle.
Wolf watched Cub leave, never saying a single word. He went and sat on his bed for a minute until he was sure that the teenage spy wasn't coming back. Then, he calmly walked over to the CD collection, slowly reached for the Spice Girls album and turned around, lobbing it with all his strength at the wall.
It shattered on impact and Eagle snored loudly in the other room and Wolf wanted to feel guilty about what he'd said but he couldn't.
He was being honest.
Fucking honesty.
One week, six hours and twenty eight minutes since Wolf had last had sex. Six days since the blow out in his apartment. Six days since Alex had called. Wolf didn't know if he was on a mission or just sulking. He wasn't going to be the one to crawl back though. He had a little more pride than that.
At least, enough pride to hold off for another few days.
Okay, so he didn't. So what? Alex wouldn't mind anyway, would he? Wolf stood outside Cub's house, torn for the first time in his commute over to Alex's. Would it make him mad if Wolf turned up, a collision between two separate pockets of his life? It was hard for Wolf to keep the two sides detached. He wanted things to go back to what they'd been, maybe even better. But the soldier in him was already making an objective list.
One. Go in and apologize and grovel.
Two. Try not to feel like a sicko and remember that you're not just apologizing to get back in Alex's pants. Maybe.
Three. Do not abandon principals.
Four. Hopefully, get back in with Cub.
Shit. He really was certifiably insane, wasn't he? What the hell was he doing at some little punk's house at half ten with his heart in his mouth and some make up chocolates tucked under his elbow? Screw it. Did Cub even eat chocolate? Probably not. Wolf's mouth was suddenly bone dry and he briefly considered turning tail and fleeing back down the street. He'd taken the tube rather than driven and mulled over his planned speech the entire journey. It felt better that way. After all, as Snake would remind him, the seven P's of soldiering. Proper planning and preparation prevent piss poor performance.
Shit. He forced himself up the drive and pressed down on the doorbell lightly. His hand slipped, already sweaty and he pressed again just to be sure he'd rung. Just as he was about to turn around to bolt shame facedly back to his flat, the door creaked open and a slim red haired woman squinted out at him suspiciously. Ah. So this was the lovely Jack Starbright.
She had long, tangled red hair and a round, heart shaped face. She was short and had to peer up at Wolf, which she did with a distrust he sometimes received from strangers. He paused for a minute to make sure he wasn't scowling before opening his mouth to speak. Mainly, to apologize. Jack was quite obviously dressed up rather nicely with a glass of white wine in her hand and the obvious look of someone who had been interrupted right at the middle of a date.
However, before Wolf could speak, the tiny American lunged forward rapidly and gently slid the chocolates from his grip with a sneer.
"Wow. Butlers chocolates. So you lot are sending round fancy chocolates when you want to use Alex!? You've got some nerve! Get lost. It's late and Alex doesn't want to work for you, alright?"
Wolf got the distinct impression that it wasn't the first time this tiny, fierce woman had spoken that way to strangers on her doorstep.
"I'm not MI6. I'm a friend of Alex's" Wolf replied through gritted teeth, frowning. Her eyebrows shot up speculatively and Wolf knew she was inwardly sniggering at the idea that the glowering man on her door step was a genuine friend of Cub's. For Christ sake, where would they have even met each other? Wolf was clearly much, much older than Cub.
"Oh. Right. He's in his room. Upstairs, turn right and it's the last door on the left. He's just studying. Or something. He's one of his moods. I'm, um, sort of in the middle of something so I'll leave you to it" she said, blushing. She gestured randomly in the direction of the staircase, opened the chocolates and turned, disappearing into a room on the right. Well, at least he didn't have to worry about Cub not eating chocolate anymore. His housekeeper clearly did.
He started up the stairs slowly, mind wheeling and whirring frantically. There wasn't time to think, just time to do. He was at Cub's door already and he knocked lightly once before pushing it open.
And there was Alex.
And there was the joint in his hand.
And he was so fucking beautiful with big, wide, startled eyes that slitted in less than a second when he saw Wolf. He was sprawled on his bed, pushed against the open window to blow the smoke out into the crisp night air and he looked like absolute shit. His room was a mess. Papers scattered everywhere, dirty plates stacked by the door, empty water bottles and school books strewn across the floor. Clothes crumpled underfoot like dead soldiers and an almighty stink. The kid himself, he looked like shit. His hair was a gluey mess and he looked like he hadn't showered in days.
He wore a pair of scruffy old grey sweatpants and nothing else, his bare chest apparently not cold even though the air coming in through the open window had a nip to it. It was his eyes though, his blissed out eyes, that worried Wolf. That caused him to dart across the room and snatch the joint and flick it out the window in an instant. Of course, that didn't exactly please Alex.
"Fuck it, Wolf. Ever heard of knocking?"
Wolf was momentarily speechless. The moment passed and he growled, leveling Alex with a murderous glare.
"I did. You mustn’t have heard me."
He bit each word out as Alex sat up and closed the window slowly before settling back on his bed. Wolf didn't move, staring disapprovingly down at him. Alex rolled his eyes slowly and deliberately before reaching under his bed and pulling out a bottle of vodka. He looked like he was going to swig but Wolf leaned forward and took it instead. The look Alex gave him, you'd swear that he'd taken candy from a baby.
"What are you doing at my house? Usually when you want sex it's your place. Jack let you in? She's downstairs on a date. Why'd you throw my dope out the window? It took me ages to get that. 6 don't like it if I do anything to 'compromise my physical capability'. They get 5 to tail me. It took me an hour to pick up anything and you just dumped the last of it out the window. I needed it too. They made me shoot him, Wolf. I blew his fucking brains out and they won't even let me sleep 'cause they're in my nightmares," Alex said, no hint of anger or malice in his voice. He just ranted emotionlessly like a mental patient.
Wolf was angry, to say the least. How long had Alex been in his room? From the state of him, it looked like days. He obviously hadn't been to school. Had he... Could he have been in a state the six days since Wolf had seen him? It was painfully obvious that Alex had possibly been doing a lot worse than just hash. The seventeen year old reached out and pulled Wolf by the hand to lie beside him, maneuvering himself around to rest his head on Wolf's thighs.
"How long have you been up here, Alex?" Wolf asked gruffly. Alex nuzzled into his lap and dropped Wolf's hand in his hair, closing his eyes. At least he hadn't taken cocaine or anything too serious. How could MI6 have not known what Alex was doing? Wolf's anger flared up again when he realized that Jack Starbright hadn't noticed anything odd about Alex. What was she playing at, leaving a seventeen year old to his own devices?
"How should I know? Time means nothing when you're locked in a vacancy. I'm caught Wolf, between the motion and the act. Shape without form, shade without colour, paralysed force, gesture without motion; there are no eyes here," Alex ranted, eyes darting beneath closed eyelids as if he was dreaming.
"Have you been to school since I picked you up that day?" Wolf prompted.
"Here we go round the prickly pear, Prickly pear prickly pear, Here we go round the prickly pear, At five o’clock in the morning," Alex sang.
Wolf wanted to run away but leaving was never an option. How had he not noticed how vulnerable Alex was? How had he managed to not see how fucking miserable the kid was? Jesus. He was a bastard and a half.
So he stayed, glowering, hoping it made up for his failings. Exhaustion gripped him in the end, an hour or two after Alex had stopped raving. But Wolf had a rare moment of clarity. He was going to wait around for morning and then he was going to get some answers from Alex.
Because there was no way he could keep pretending not to care after this.
Wolf didn't want to be awake, but the sunlight was trickling across his face and hindering his sleep. Grudgingly, he rolled over and snuggled into Alex's blanket with a loud sigh of content. Much better. Now he could go back to sleep and rest for a little while longer. He was surprised to find himself exhausted.
He peeled one eye open slowly and glanced around, perturbed by the fact that Alex wasn't in bed. Ah. There. Alex sat on the worn swivel chair by his desk, forehead resting on the table, eyes shut. He must have slipped out of bed much earlier and showered because Wolf noticed that his hair was damp and dark from the water. He felt his stomach shrink all of a sudden. Last night had definitely happened then.
He moved then, releasing the duvet and sitting up. The bedroom had been tidied quickly, as if in a scrabble. The papers and water bottles were in the bin, school books in a poorly constructed stack and dirty clothes presumably dumped out for the wash. It wasn't perfect, but it was definitely Alex who'd cleaned up. The whole operation had a boyish touch that Wolf rarely saw in the spy.
Shit. He didn't even have the words to say anything. He wanted to, but... Fuck. How do you even begin something like that? What could he say? Wolf took a deep breath and Alex finally opened his eyes warily. He didn't even smile. His entire face was a mask, guarding something. Wolf switched his gaze out the window instead. London looked hard and unwelcoming from Alex's window. It was raining outside still but the sun managed to shine with no warmth through Alex's window.
"What time is it?" Wolf asked, his voice rough and scratchy.
"Eleven thirty. Jack said I could have today off school," Alex voiced barely louder than a whisper.
"Oh. Right. So..." Wolf forced himself to speak. Words had never been so strained between them before. A minute or two of awkward stillness passed between them. The air felt thick and muggy, pregnant with words unspoken. Wolf gritted his teeth. Screw the awkwardness. He was going to get to the bottom of this and get the answers he knew he deserved.
"Why haven't you been in school?"
"Sorry," Alex shrugged coldly. "That's actually none of your business. If you're planning some motivational speech or something, save it, alright? I don't need to hear about how I'm letting you down as well."
"Horse shit. It's entirely my business. Don't you try and pretend that was normal, what I saw last night. Fuck sake Cub, d'you want to end up dead?" Wolf snapped out slowly, biting each word off in his mouth. Alex ran a hand through his wet hair, eyes narrowed and shrugged.
"I never claimed to be normal, did I? Besides, pot is no worse for you than cigarettes," he replied, as if that made things okay. As if they were all squared up now. As if Wolf was being totally unreasonable. As if nothing had even happened. At that minute, Wolf felt like wringing Cub's scrawny little neck.
"Because that's so good. Because being as safe as cigarettes is something to aspire to. You were drinking and doing pot. How can you expect me to not even say anything? Do you... Is that something you do often, Cub?" Wolf inquired furiously. Alex huffed slightly.
"No, it's not." He pinched the bridge of his nose, "It's just something I do every so often because... it's so fucking hard. Everything's so complicated. They made me shoot him and sometimes I just want to... Why are you flipping out anyway? It's none of your business. It's not like I'm a junkie or something. Not like I'm the druggie everyone thinks I am. It's not like I'm fucking defective! Some days are harder than others and I get a little down and I'm sorry if it's wrong of me to not want to spend those days in a school where I have nobody who even wants me there but it's really nothing to do with you or anything for you to even think about."
There. Just there. That was where the rules of the game changed. Alex looked so torn apart and ripped to shreds. Wolf remained seated on the bed and took two shaky, deep breaths. His temper was in check but Cub was an expert at getting him riled up. The last thing he needed was a full blown argument.
"Fine. How long have you been up here in your room anyway, Cub?" Wolf asked, squirming slightly. How could he possibly verbalize his thoughts? Were there even names for the emotions he was feeling? How did you tell someone that you were worried about them when you'd told them the exact opposite less than a week before?
Alex frowned, taken aback by Wolf's question. "I don't know. I came home from your flat the other day and then I went out that night to pick up some.. stuff. And then I started to feel a little... bad. So that's what? Five, maybe six days." He said it as if it was just a regular thing to do, as if it explained his total withdrawal from the world.
"And you don't even think that's just the tiniest bit worrying? Were you eating regular meals?"
"Of course I was. Jack brought up dinner and lunch for me."
Wolf's irritation with Alex's supposed guardian was back then with a vengeance. Not only had she managed to be bloody oblivious to the fact that her seventeen year old charge was obviously depressed, she'd come into his room and seen him in that state and done absolutely nothing. Alex had probably hidden the drugs from her well enough but how could she not notice that Alex clearly needed professional help?
Was she in denial or just plain stupid? What had she called it again last night...' one of his moods'? So it wasn't the first time this had happened. Wolf felt guilty instantly that he'd perhaps brought on whatever it was that had happened but he was too caught up in his little bubble of fury. The audacity of that woman. And MI bloody 6. Bastards. Bastards. As usual they'd just taken what they wanted and left Cub confused and alone with no support what so ever.
Wait... Wasn't that what he'd done as well? Shit. Everything was going wrong. The shit was hitting the fan with a loud explosion.
"Cub, you can't just-"
"Look, Virgil. You made it clear that you don't want to know me, alright? So fuck it. I'm not going to keep working at something that's supposed to be easy. So what if I sometimes wake up and stay in bed all day because I can't even face the idea of trying to tread water? It's all I can do to keep myself from drowning, y'know? I'm sorry if I can't give you the answers you want but it's as simple as that."
Wolf frowned, inwardly wincing at the use of his first name. He was surprised to see Cub like this. He'd always thought that it was the bullet wounds and beatings that scarred Cub, not the surviving afterwards. Because the kid was right. All he could do when someone else as good as owned him was keep himself from drowning. Wolf didn't want to get mushy or anything but he knew what he was going to have to say. So he took a deep, deep breath and decided to get the awkward things over with as fast as possible.
"You know that you don't have to suffer alone, don't you? Have you tried talking to Jack or a therapist or maybe even-"
"I think it's about time you went home, Virgil."
"Cub-"
"I said, get out." He shut his eyes, speaking calmly but forcefully. He didn't need to say anything more than that. Wolf got the picture. So all that was left to do was yell a little and try to get rid of all his damn frustration.
"Listen, Cub. I know I've been a total prick these past few months and I know I'm a fucking sicko for taking advantage of you when you're obviously not thinking the straightest. I get that I'm a piece of shit and I know I'm not some fucking mushy, emotional dick who can take you out for dinner and bring you flowers. I know I'm possibly even more fucking dysfunctional than you. But once you start to let it touch you, once it gets into your head and behind your mask and those faces start haunting your nightmares, you get fucking help. You're not the first and you're not the last to get fucked over by MI6. But you're just going to bury your head in the sand, smoke some dope and hope things get better?" Wolf growled.
"I-"
"No. Listen. I can't be with you all the time. I can't keep you safe. But when you come back I can be there to do something, anything to help you. You don't have to sink or swim, Alex. You just have to live and do what you can to feel okay. You don't even have to be normal. I'm not going to use you anymore, alright? I'm still a bastard, but I'm not going to ever fuck you over like I did last time. But you have to talk to someone, alright? Talk to Jack. She seems like a nice, well-adjusted, capable woman. But I-"
"Get. Out. Of. My. House." Alex chewed the words out venomously.
Wolf glowered and without saying another word turned and ran down the stairs and out the front door, kicking over a bin angrily. An array of conflicting emotions snaked around and around his stomach as he trudged in the direction of the nearest bus stop feeling numb and exhausted and more than anything, furious.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
He was fucking drowning in the trouble Alex Rider seemed to stir up behind him everywhere he went.
"Hello, Virgil. This is, um, Jack Starbright... Um, I found your number in Alex's phone and I remembered you said you were his friend so I... I just called to let you know that Alex will be back from St. Sebastian's Hospital this morning. I don't know if he told you but he's, well, he went to get... um... help. As far as I can tell, he just, uh, decided that he needed some help. We'll be back home at maybe two and I wondered if maybe you wanted to... um... stop by? I think he'd like to see someone. The last few days have been a little rough on him and I think he could maybe use a guy around. Anyway, if you don't want to, it's fine. I just... I wanted to extend the invitation. And to say thank you. Whatever you said to him, it really sunk in. Thank you, um, Virgil. Hope to talk to you soon."
His voicemail beeped at the end of the recording and Wolf ground his teeth together. Virgil. So Jack knew his name as well now? Bugger.
Jack was clearly pretending that everything was alright. But Wolf could hear the sadness in her voice and he just knew that Alex wouldn't want him over. He knew it. He wanted to go see the kid and join in the act but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Things were so fucked up. Suddenly, simple and easy seemed good again. Why hadn't Cub been happy with that? Why did life always have to try and get one up on Wolf?
Of course, Wolf was a glutton for self hate. So he shrugged on his coat, snatched his car keys up and pressed the missed call button to ring Jack back and tell her that he was on his way over.
The twenty minute drive to Cub's seemed like an eternity. Finally, Wolf pulled into the driveway and cut his engine, locking up and walking silently up to the front door. He knocked once and Jack answered almost instantly, a bright smile on her face.
"Virgil! It's just great that you stopped by." Her eyes danced in her head and flickered to the ceiling, obviously wondering about how Alex would receive Wolf's 'surprise' visit. They dimmed slightly when she noticed Wolf's tense scowl.
"Let's just keep it as Wolf, shall we?" he replied curtly. She grinned and nodded before making some sort of shooing gestures, batting Wolf to the foot of the stairs without ever actually touching him. "Alex is in his room. You can go on up. Just leave the door open, alright?"
Wolf nodded and started up the stairs slowly while Jack wandered back into what appeared to be a sitting room. When he reached Alex's room he pushed the door open softly, leaving it gently on the latch behind him as a sort of a compromise.
Alex sat at his desk, schoolbooks open in front of him. He turned around in his chair and didn't look even the slightest bit surprised to find Wolf standing just inside his room awkwardly, unsure suddenly of what to do. This entire game was new to him, these new rules foreign and unfamiliar.
"Before you start, can I go first?" Alex asked as Wolf moved over to perch on the side of his bed. He nodded mutely and Alex began.
"I know Jack told you where I was and I think you know why. The doctor was a special one who knows all about the spying and he said it was a perfectly human reaction to feel... sad. He told them to lay off for a while on the missions and they said they would, but I don't if they'll hold to that. Anyway, I want you to know that I'm not going to be drinking or smoking anything anymore, if I can help it. I want to say thank you, Wolf. I've got a therapist in school too who showed me you were being reasonable the other day." Alex walked in slow circles from one wall to the other, pacing.
"That's good. Your therapist is right. I'm perfectly reasonable," Wolf said, nodding slowly.
"And don't worry about anything else," Alex continued as if Wolf hadn't even spoken. "I know now what we were doing was wrong and I won't bother you again, alright?"
"What?" Wolf snapped sharply, stiffening.
"I just want you to know I'm getting help. And I'll leave you alone now. Thanks for talking to me though, I know you're really busy. It's more than I deserve, really," Alex continued. Wolf froze, his brain trying to process slowly what it was that Cub was saying. That what they'd done was wrong? Shit. That wasn't Cub talking. No way.
"What exactly did this therapist tell you, Alex? You're seventeen. She can't tell you what to do. Did she say that because I'm a... and you're, well, you know, also a..." Wolf trailed off pathetically, blushing furiously.
"No. It's because we did all the sex first before we did anything else. She's nice. We were fucked up, Wolf. I couldn't stop feeling that maybe, well, maybe that I wanted more than sex. And you didn't. But it's fine. Honestly. I understand now. We wanted different things. I'm glad it's out in the open now because-"
"You want to know about me Cub? Fire away. Anything you want to know, I'll tell you. You wanted to know why I have, I mean had, a Spice Girls CD? I have a god daughter who occasionally stays with me. I went to university at Cambridge. I like watching football and playing tennis. I play the saxophone but I haven't played in years. My favourite colour is red and I support Manchester United. And as for you? I don't just want to fuck you Cub, alright? Let's leave it at that, please, before I get sappy," he reached out and pulled Alex down onto the floor with him, holding him tightly. "I think that we're just fine, Alex."
They'd been in that exact position in Wolf's flat more than a week before, just before Alex had left. Now they were there again but neither of them was leaving. This wasn't lust. This was something much stronger, much harder to work with that Wolf couldn't bring himself to confess.
This was them.
"I'm really fucked up right now, Wolf. I don't think it's a quick fix kind of problem and I don't think it's going to be easy to live," Alex whispered lowly into Wolf's ear after a minute or two, voice hoarse and jagged and raw with whatever it was that this was. Thank God Cub wasn't going to cry, Wolf thought guiltily. He didn't know if he was comfortable enough to handle tears yet.
"I know," Wolf replied bluntly. "I also know that if you ever call me Virgil again I won't be responsible for what happens. But I'm going to be here for you now, whenever I can be. Whatever you need me to be Cub, I'll be."
"I believe you," Alex answered. He smiled into Wolf's neck and kissed the skin there once. Wolf rumbled with laughter and Alex smiled again.
"So, a Cambridge boy? Looks like we're going to have a problem, doesn't it? I mean, Manchester United? Pathetic," Alex jeered playfully.
Wolf growled slightly and kissed Alex again, loving that he could do that as much as he wanted now.
Things were good again, better than ever before. Better than either of them could have hoped. Wolf was comfortable to just enjoy what was happening. Alex felt better knowing that maybe, just maybe, he might have found someone who wouldn't judge him. Who would be as impartial as Jack but without the whole guardianship thing.
Of course, it was fragile and new. And it was going to be hard. But neither of them cared because in the real world, nobody really lives happily ever after. There was no instant fix for Alex and they both knew that they had a long and tedious foreseeable future. It might have been fragile.
But there was reassurance in that they both wanted this.
And if nothing else, this was hope.
This was Wolf's body tightly locked against his, pulling him and stretching his every nerve, making him bite his lip to hold off on moaning. Their mouths bumped with clumsy skill and Wolf's neck tightened sharply. Their breathing was shallow and harsh, melding with the rhythm that Alex could feel vibrating through him.
"Fuck it, Alex." Wolf’s knees buckled with pleasure and Alex grinned, pushing his shoulders and forcing him to sit down. He pulled Alex's arms around his neck and carefully sat on the floor. They didn't need to say anything more than those three breathless words.
Their tongues battled savagely. There was no word for this. It was something stronger than love, something more primal pulling them together. Both gasped breathlessly, the only conversation possible carried out in groans, low moans and slurred names. Alex took advantage of his position, fighting for control of the vicious kiss.
"Lashing out the action, returning the reaction,
Weak are ripped and torn away,
Hypnotizing power, crushing all that cower."
Wolf rolled them over, mouths never disconnecting from the brutal, tangled, needing kiss. He threw Alex's left leg over his shoulder and Alex moaned loudly. With anyone else, he'd have immediately stiffened, embarrassed. But with Wolf, sex was like it was in books and movies. There was no awkwardness. It was all pure instinct driving both of them and if that was so wrong, fuck being right. Besides, Wolf groaned appreciatively. Alex pushed his shoulder against Wolf's, sending them tumbling again.
He sucked on Wolf's neck, eliciting a loud moan from the older man. Grinning, sensing victory, Alex pushed on and Wolf groaned his name reverently amidst a string of swear words. They'd be fucking spasmodically for the past three months but it had never been so connected, so compelling. Wolf gripped Alex's waist, assisting in his movements. Alex had never imagined that sex could mean so much or feel so good or take him so high. How could any drug or emotion compare to something so forceful? How could sex with anybody else ever be better?
All thoughts vanished from Alex as Wolf sucked on his bottom lip while grinding against him, driving away anything but the unbearable pleasure Alex felt coursing through his every vein.
"Smashing through the boundaries,
Lunacy has found me."
Wolf's eyes darkened as his thrusts became rougher, speeding up the tempo. Alex's breaths came only in moans, disintegrating to a loud gasp when he felt the familiar explosion rack his entire body from forehead to toes in less than a second, forcing him forward to collapse onto Wolf's muscular chest. It took a minute for him to realize exactly where he was. Wolf chuckled roughly as Alex rolled off him onto the brown carpet of his living room, sucking down air by the lungful.
"Pounding out aggression,
Turns into obsession."
Neither spoke as he sat up with a groan, rolled over, and redressed. Wolf didn't move from his spot on the floor as Alex grabbed his backpack. It was only when Alex's face contorted in pain as his back suddenly cramped that Wolf sat up quickly, sending the teen a concerned look. Alex cleared his face of anything and retrieved his jacket, zipping it up before turning towards the exit.
"Tomorrow?" Alex questioned quietly, still slightly breathless.
"After school. I'll be at the corner," Wolf replied shortly, lifting himself slowly to his feet.
"Perfect."
Alex stepped out the door, closing it carefully and making sure it was locked before stepping back into the real world: a world where he and Wolf didn't interact, didn't even see each other.
He made his way out of Wolf's apartment building, smiling discreetly. Inside, he was dancing.
There were ten minutes left in school and Alex Rider was dying.
He flipped through his copy twice and yawned, hoping he looked nonchalant. He tried desperately to maintain some kind of outward composure. He wasn't going to be the one to give in and text Wolf. He wasn't. He'd just play it cool and maybe distract himself until Wolf gave in. Which he would, Alex was certain.
Five minutes later, Alex was squirming in his seat, humming quietly. He reached for his phone, about to surrender, when it vibrated in his hand. He grinned.
Hurry up. If you're not at my car in ten minutes, there'll be hell to pay. Wolf.
Alex chuckled, smirking. Thank God Wolf had given in first. He just loved having the upper hand.
Greedy, aren't we?
Alex grinned to himself before his phone buzzed again in less than thirty seconds.
I could go other places with my greed....
No fucking way was Wolf getting off without Alex.
Don't even fucking think about it.
The bell rang and Alex bundled his books into his backpack, barging out of the room as quickly as he could without sprinting. He weaved rapidly through the halls, glad for once that he didn't have to worry about anybody talking to him outside of class. Not even Tom spoke to him anymore.
Wolf was parked just at the corner, as usual. That corner, it was their refuge. Completely shielded by trees and two hundred yards from the school gates, Wolf could pick him up and speed home without any witnesses. It was a little extreme, but the sense of danger only added to the game.
Alex slid into the passenger seat and shut the door, Wolf's lips brutally assaulting his before he could slip into his seatbelt. The soldier wasn't usually so needy. Alex pushed firmly on Wolf's chest and the older man's forehead furrowed slightly before Alex nodded towards the steering wheel. Suddenly illuminated, Wolf pulled away smoothly with a grunted complaint about having to wait.
Wolf's driving was rather... erratic. He took speed limits to be mildly advised precautions, skidding through back streets of London and turning impossibly around tight corners. It was just a ten minute drive to Wolf's house, a silent drive. He screeched to a stop, pulling Alex from the car by the hand before the engine had even silenced and yanked him into his apartment building and up the back stairs to his flat.
Alex shed his school jumper and backpack as Wolf dragged him into his bedroom where he sat, squirming on the bed as Wolf scrolled through his CDs, chuckling occasionally and muttering about Alex's lack of taste and terrible sense of music. He finally settled on a song Alex vaguely remembered Jack liked, turning around with a smirk. Drums and guitar fused together making Alex sit up, suddenly intrigued.
"You're such a fucking tease, y'know that Cub?" Wolf growled, grin widening when he saw that Alex was listening to the music.
"Can't be a tease if I'm going to fuck you eventually, can I?" Alex replied, chuckling.
Wolf's chuckle was hoarse, his lips curving into a crooked smile as he pulled his t-shirt over his head, diving on the bed to kiss Alex just as forcefully as he had in the car. Alex yanked Wolf on top of him, reaching for his belt. Wolf swatted his hands away, laughing again at Alex's inquisitive look. Their lips clashed again and again and Alex realized Wolf wanted him to listen to the song.
"God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime,
Remembering when you were mine,
In a still suburban town."
He nipped at Wolf's neck, biting and sucking up to behind his right ear. Wolf groaned loudly and Alex felt any tension just bleed out of Wolf's body, as easily as that.
"Bad day?" he asked, his hands running lightly across Wolf's stomach, eliciting another moan.
"The worst. Got chewed out by my fucking major, had to fill in a shitload of paperwork and nearly got sent back to fucking Iraq for the third fucking time," Wolf growled, pressing closer to Alex. Their teeth bumped as Wolf invaded Alex's mouth, rumbling with laughter.
"When every Thursday, I'd brave those mountain passes,
And you'd skip your early classes,
And we'd learn how our bodies worked."
Alex smiled as well as they broke contact, Wolf grinning like the Cheshire fucking Cat.
"Nicely chosen song. Death Cab?" Alex asked. Wolf nodded wordlessly and allowed Alex's hands to skillfully take his belt out of the equation. He undid Alex's jeans just as soon as both of them heard the one sound that neither wanted to hear at that instant.
Eagle.
Banging loudly on Wolf's bedroom door.
Totally mullered.
"Wolf, open the fuck up! I knew where you kept the spare key and I fucking need a bed! Michelle kicked me out!"
They instantly stopped kissing. Wolf gulped down three ragged breaths, swore loudly, and slid to the side of the bed. He cradled his head in his arms, muttering darkly about murder, growling. Alex rolled onto the other side of the bed, frowning as Wolf got to his feet.
"Fuck", Wolf groaned, pulling his t-shirt back on over his head.
"Why the fuck are you locked in your room listening to Death Cab For Cutie anyway? Shit. You haven't got a girl in there, have you?" Eagle slurred through the door, obviously impatient. Alex bristled silently and Wolf opened his mouth to say something, anything to salvage the atmosphere. What did you say to the teenage spy you were fucking when he found out that you occasionally screwed other people?
"No. Do I need an excuse to just be left the fuck alone? Gimme a sec" Wolf responded, scowling. He winced and pulled on a baggy sweatshirt that fell below his waist in a transparent effort to conceal his obvious erection. Alex didn't bother looking up until he heard the door close, frustrated. It didn't surprise him that Wolf had left growling to himself.
He groaned, burying his head in Wolf's pillow. He didn't really care so much that Wolf occasionally went elsewhere for sex. It didn't really bother him. After all, they both went away on jobs regularly and he wasn't naive enough to believe Wolf would ever be endlessly faithful to him. What they had though, it was good. The sex was amazing and neither of them had to put up with the stress of a real relationship.
Life was good. Whatever it was they had, it was easy.
He grunted, lifting himself up and off the bed slowly. He had no idea how long Wolf was going to be and he couldn't leave without risking a run in with Eagle. He had his backpack but no way was he going to sit in Wolf's bedroom and do fucking homework. He sighed, bored, and straightened up his school shirt before wandering over to Wolf's bookshelf packed full of CD's.
It was one of the things Alex had never expected of Wolf, to have a fucking CD collection the size of a music shop. He'd never actually studied it properly before. He'd been in Wolf's room so many times, he was slightly surprised he'd never actually examined Wolf's massive bookshelves of music. Of course, he'd hardly been in the mindset to do so.
He scanned the artists slowly and had to admit begrudgingly that it was impressive. How much money had Wolf spent on music? The majority of the artists he didn't recognize, but he did note that there were many of them that he hadn't expected Wolf would enjoy. Maurice Ravel leaned against Led Zeppelin. The Prodigy reclined next to Frank Sinatra. Bizarrely, a Spice Girls album perched near the end of the row.
It was in that instant that Alex Rider realized just how little he actually knew about Wolf.
He knew his real name was Virgil Byrne. He knew that he had two freckles on the back of his neck and a birthmark above his heart. His lips clenched together when he was mildly irritated and his eyes went darker when he glared. He had a thin, long, pale scar on his leg that he'd never explained and many long-healed scratches on his knees from boyhood. He didn't have the tickles anywhere but his feet.
He had no idea of Wolf's hobbies, though. What did he do for fun besides listen to his eclectic music? Did he have any family? What had he wanted to be as a child? What college had he gone to? His favourite colour, food, song? Was he allergic to peanuts or cats or dogs?
Footsteps thumped down the hall and Alex relaxed. He'd know Wolf's thudding stride anywhere. The soldier entered the room and locked the door behind him, scowling. Alex sat back down on top of the bed and Wolf turned up the speakers, growling.
"He'll pass out in a couple of minutes. Anyway, he can't hear us."
Wolf's hands reached for the hem of Alex's school shirt and the seventeen year old frowned, batting them away easily.
"I'm not going to screw you while Eagle's asleep in your apartment."
"God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation,
I become what I always hated,
When I was with you then."
Wolf growled again. He walked across to his CDs and punched the stop button, packing the disc back into its plastic case roughly. Alex rolled his eyes. Usually Wolf treated his CDs reverently, packing them away almost lovingly. He scanned his shelves slowly, his back to Alex, searching through the titles for a new CD. Alex propped himself up on his elbows and watched, musing slightly over his epiphany.
"We don't know anything about each other, do we?"
Wolf turned slowly from where he was standing and frowned, raising an eyebrow in confusion. "What? That's horse shit. We do."
"Do we?" Alex inquired. Wolf frowned, confused and Alex pressed onwards in his explanation. "Until today, I didn't even notice just how... expansive your music collection is. I have no idea what interests you. You don't know what I want to do when I finish school. For fuck sake, I don't even know your middle name."
Wolf nodded, a slight look of illumination on his scowling face.
"So what? What's it matter? I don't want to know what you're going to study or who you're fucking besides me. It's easier this way, Cub. Cleaner to break off if we need to."
Alex heard the words clearly. They drilled into his skull, nestling in his brain and forcing him to face the reality. Wolf didn't want to know anything about him. He didn't want to know anything more than was absolutely necessary to fuck. Alex had never imagined even for one second that they had anything that could be real but to have it placed so sharply in front of him, to know just how Wolf saw him…
An easy fuck. That was all he was. Wolf didn't want anything from him but sex. He didn't want to share anything. He didn't even want to talk. Alex registered numbly that he felt a jolt at finding out just how simple Wolf's view was. A tiny part of him wondered just why he'd agreed to the arrangement in the first place. That was right. His resistance at the idea of a fuck buddy relationship had been screwed away by Wolf. Only they weren't much of buddies, were they?
"So, what? The sex is all that you're offering? That's fine. But I at least want to know who it is that I'm just screwing. Why does Eagle come here when his girlfriend dumps him? Why have you got a Spice Girls album?" Alex persisted, swallowing slowly.
"Point is, Cub, you don't need to know. Forget it, alright? It'll make things a lot easier" Wolf snapped back.
"My name is Alex. What the fuck am I even doing this for? Why the fuck am I having sex with you when you won't even fucking open up and tell me what the fuck it is that you do for fun?" Alex bit back, climbing off the bed and yanking his school jumper from the floor.
"What I do for fun? You! This isn't supposed to be a fucking fairytale love story, alright!? It's supposed to be easy, you fucking twat!" Wolf rumbled loudly, borderline yelling. Alex pulled on his school jumper and snatched up his backpack, racing out of Wolf's apartment. He felt something hot prickling the back of his eyes. Not tears. Just, something else. Definitely not fucking tears. What the fuck did he care if Wolf only wanted to fuck for fun? He'd felt the same before he'd started fucking thinking. And he'd only been thinking because of Eagle.
Fucking Eagle.
Wolf watched Cub leave, never saying a single word. He went and sat on his bed for a minute until he was sure that the teenage spy wasn't coming back. Then, he calmly walked over to the CD collection, slowly reached for the Spice Girls album and turned around, lobbing it with all his strength at the wall.
It shattered on impact and Eagle snored loudly in the other room and Wolf wanted to feel guilty about what he'd said but he couldn't.
He was being honest.
Fucking honesty.
One week, six hours and twenty eight minutes since Wolf had last had sex. Six days since the blow out in his apartment. Six days since Alex had called. Wolf didn't know if he was on a mission or just sulking. He wasn't going to be the one to crawl back though. He had a little more pride than that.
At least, enough pride to hold off for another few days.
Okay, so he didn't. So what? Alex wouldn't mind anyway, would he? Wolf stood outside Cub's house, torn for the first time in his commute over to Alex's. Would it make him mad if Wolf turned up, a collision between two separate pockets of his life? It was hard for Wolf to keep the two sides detached. He wanted things to go back to what they'd been, maybe even better. But the soldier in him was already making an objective list.
One. Go in and apologize and grovel.
Two. Try not to feel like a sicko and remember that you're not just apologizing to get back in Alex's pants. Maybe.
Three. Do not abandon principals.
Four. Hopefully, get back in with Cub.
Shit. He really was certifiably insane, wasn't he? What the hell was he doing at some little punk's house at half ten with his heart in his mouth and some make up chocolates tucked under his elbow? Screw it. Did Cub even eat chocolate? Probably not. Wolf's mouth was suddenly bone dry and he briefly considered turning tail and fleeing back down the street. He'd taken the tube rather than driven and mulled over his planned speech the entire journey. It felt better that way. After all, as Snake would remind him, the seven P's of soldiering. Proper planning and preparation prevent piss poor performance.
Shit. He forced himself up the drive and pressed down on the doorbell lightly. His hand slipped, already sweaty and he pressed again just to be sure he'd rung. Just as he was about to turn around to bolt shame facedly back to his flat, the door creaked open and a slim red haired woman squinted out at him suspiciously. Ah. So this was the lovely Jack Starbright.
She had long, tangled red hair and a round, heart shaped face. She was short and had to peer up at Wolf, which she did with a distrust he sometimes received from strangers. He paused for a minute to make sure he wasn't scowling before opening his mouth to speak. Mainly, to apologize. Jack was quite obviously dressed up rather nicely with a glass of white wine in her hand and the obvious look of someone who had been interrupted right at the middle of a date.
However, before Wolf could speak, the tiny American lunged forward rapidly and gently slid the chocolates from his grip with a sneer.
"Wow. Butlers chocolates. So you lot are sending round fancy chocolates when you want to use Alex!? You've got some nerve! Get lost. It's late and Alex doesn't want to work for you, alright?"
Wolf got the distinct impression that it wasn't the first time this tiny, fierce woman had spoken that way to strangers on her doorstep.
"I'm not MI6. I'm a friend of Alex's" Wolf replied through gritted teeth, frowning. Her eyebrows shot up speculatively and Wolf knew she was inwardly sniggering at the idea that the glowering man on her door step was a genuine friend of Cub's. For Christ sake, where would they have even met each other? Wolf was clearly much, much older than Cub.
"Oh. Right. He's in his room. Upstairs, turn right and it's the last door on the left. He's just studying. Or something. He's one of his moods. I'm, um, sort of in the middle of something so I'll leave you to it" she said, blushing. She gestured randomly in the direction of the staircase, opened the chocolates and turned, disappearing into a room on the right. Well, at least he didn't have to worry about Cub not eating chocolate anymore. His housekeeper clearly did.
He started up the stairs slowly, mind wheeling and whirring frantically. There wasn't time to think, just time to do. He was at Cub's door already and he knocked lightly once before pushing it open.
And there was Alex.
And there was the joint in his hand.
And he was so fucking beautiful with big, wide, startled eyes that slitted in less than a second when he saw Wolf. He was sprawled on his bed, pushed against the open window to blow the smoke out into the crisp night air and he looked like absolute shit. His room was a mess. Papers scattered everywhere, dirty plates stacked by the door, empty water bottles and school books strewn across the floor. Clothes crumpled underfoot like dead soldiers and an almighty stink. The kid himself, he looked like shit. His hair was a gluey mess and he looked like he hadn't showered in days.
He wore a pair of scruffy old grey sweatpants and nothing else, his bare chest apparently not cold even though the air coming in through the open window had a nip to it. It was his eyes though, his blissed out eyes, that worried Wolf. That caused him to dart across the room and snatch the joint and flick it out the window in an instant. Of course, that didn't exactly please Alex.
"Fuck it, Wolf. Ever heard of knocking?"
Wolf was momentarily speechless. The moment passed and he growled, leveling Alex with a murderous glare.
"I did. You mustn’t have heard me."
He bit each word out as Alex sat up and closed the window slowly before settling back on his bed. Wolf didn't move, staring disapprovingly down at him. Alex rolled his eyes slowly and deliberately before reaching under his bed and pulling out a bottle of vodka. He looked like he was going to swig but Wolf leaned forward and took it instead. The look Alex gave him, you'd swear that he'd taken candy from a baby.
"What are you doing at my house? Usually when you want sex it's your place. Jack let you in? She's downstairs on a date. Why'd you throw my dope out the window? It took me ages to get that. 6 don't like it if I do anything to 'compromise my physical capability'. They get 5 to tail me. It took me an hour to pick up anything and you just dumped the last of it out the window. I needed it too. They made me shoot him, Wolf. I blew his fucking brains out and they won't even let me sleep 'cause they're in my nightmares," Alex said, no hint of anger or malice in his voice. He just ranted emotionlessly like a mental patient.
Wolf was angry, to say the least. How long had Alex been in his room? From the state of him, it looked like days. He obviously hadn't been to school. Had he... Could he have been in a state the six days since Wolf had seen him? It was painfully obvious that Alex had possibly been doing a lot worse than just hash. The seventeen year old reached out and pulled Wolf by the hand to lie beside him, maneuvering himself around to rest his head on Wolf's thighs.
"How long have you been up here, Alex?" Wolf asked gruffly. Alex nuzzled into his lap and dropped Wolf's hand in his hair, closing his eyes. At least he hadn't taken cocaine or anything too serious. How could MI6 have not known what Alex was doing? Wolf's anger flared up again when he realized that Jack Starbright hadn't noticed anything odd about Alex. What was she playing at, leaving a seventeen year old to his own devices?
"How should I know? Time means nothing when you're locked in a vacancy. I'm caught Wolf, between the motion and the act. Shape without form, shade without colour, paralysed force, gesture without motion; there are no eyes here," Alex ranted, eyes darting beneath closed eyelids as if he was dreaming.
"Have you been to school since I picked you up that day?" Wolf prompted.
"Here we go round the prickly pear, Prickly pear prickly pear, Here we go round the prickly pear, At five o’clock in the morning," Alex sang.
Wolf wanted to run away but leaving was never an option. How had he not noticed how vulnerable Alex was? How had he managed to not see how fucking miserable the kid was? Jesus. He was a bastard and a half.
So he stayed, glowering, hoping it made up for his failings. Exhaustion gripped him in the end, an hour or two after Alex had stopped raving. But Wolf had a rare moment of clarity. He was going to wait around for morning and then he was going to get some answers from Alex.
Because there was no way he could keep pretending not to care after this.
Wolf didn't want to be awake, but the sunlight was trickling across his face and hindering his sleep. Grudgingly, he rolled over and snuggled into Alex's blanket with a loud sigh of content. Much better. Now he could go back to sleep and rest for a little while longer. He was surprised to find himself exhausted.
He peeled one eye open slowly and glanced around, perturbed by the fact that Alex wasn't in bed. Ah. There. Alex sat on the worn swivel chair by his desk, forehead resting on the table, eyes shut. He must have slipped out of bed much earlier and showered because Wolf noticed that his hair was damp and dark from the water. He felt his stomach shrink all of a sudden. Last night had definitely happened then.
He moved then, releasing the duvet and sitting up. The bedroom had been tidied quickly, as if in a scrabble. The papers and water bottles were in the bin, school books in a poorly constructed stack and dirty clothes presumably dumped out for the wash. It wasn't perfect, but it was definitely Alex who'd cleaned up. The whole operation had a boyish touch that Wolf rarely saw in the spy.
Shit. He didn't even have the words to say anything. He wanted to, but... Fuck. How do you even begin something like that? What could he say? Wolf took a deep breath and Alex finally opened his eyes warily. He didn't even smile. His entire face was a mask, guarding something. Wolf switched his gaze out the window instead. London looked hard and unwelcoming from Alex's window. It was raining outside still but the sun managed to shine with no warmth through Alex's window.
"What time is it?" Wolf asked, his voice rough and scratchy.
"Eleven thirty. Jack said I could have today off school," Alex voiced barely louder than a whisper.
"Oh. Right. So..." Wolf forced himself to speak. Words had never been so strained between them before. A minute or two of awkward stillness passed between them. The air felt thick and muggy, pregnant with words unspoken. Wolf gritted his teeth. Screw the awkwardness. He was going to get to the bottom of this and get the answers he knew he deserved.
"Why haven't you been in school?"
"Sorry," Alex shrugged coldly. "That's actually none of your business. If you're planning some motivational speech or something, save it, alright? I don't need to hear about how I'm letting you down as well."
"Horse shit. It's entirely my business. Don't you try and pretend that was normal, what I saw last night. Fuck sake Cub, d'you want to end up dead?" Wolf snapped out slowly, biting each word off in his mouth. Alex ran a hand through his wet hair, eyes narrowed and shrugged.
"I never claimed to be normal, did I? Besides, pot is no worse for you than cigarettes," he replied, as if that made things okay. As if they were all squared up now. As if Wolf was being totally unreasonable. As if nothing had even happened. At that minute, Wolf felt like wringing Cub's scrawny little neck.
"Because that's so good. Because being as safe as cigarettes is something to aspire to. You were drinking and doing pot. How can you expect me to not even say anything? Do you... Is that something you do often, Cub?" Wolf inquired furiously. Alex huffed slightly.
"No, it's not." He pinched the bridge of his nose, "It's just something I do every so often because... it's so fucking hard. Everything's so complicated. They made me shoot him and sometimes I just want to... Why are you flipping out anyway? It's none of your business. It's not like I'm a junkie or something. Not like I'm the druggie everyone thinks I am. It's not like I'm fucking defective! Some days are harder than others and I get a little down and I'm sorry if it's wrong of me to not want to spend those days in a school where I have nobody who even wants me there but it's really nothing to do with you or anything for you to even think about."
There. Just there. That was where the rules of the game changed. Alex looked so torn apart and ripped to shreds. Wolf remained seated on the bed and took two shaky, deep breaths. His temper was in check but Cub was an expert at getting him riled up. The last thing he needed was a full blown argument.
"Fine. How long have you been up here in your room anyway, Cub?" Wolf asked, squirming slightly. How could he possibly verbalize his thoughts? Were there even names for the emotions he was feeling? How did you tell someone that you were worried about them when you'd told them the exact opposite less than a week before?
Alex frowned, taken aback by Wolf's question. "I don't know. I came home from your flat the other day and then I went out that night to pick up some.. stuff. And then I started to feel a little... bad. So that's what? Five, maybe six days." He said it as if it was just a regular thing to do, as if it explained his total withdrawal from the world.
"And you don't even think that's just the tiniest bit worrying? Were you eating regular meals?"
"Of course I was. Jack brought up dinner and lunch for me."
Wolf's irritation with Alex's supposed guardian was back then with a vengeance. Not only had she managed to be bloody oblivious to the fact that her seventeen year old charge was obviously depressed, she'd come into his room and seen him in that state and done absolutely nothing. Alex had probably hidden the drugs from her well enough but how could she not notice that Alex clearly needed professional help?
Was she in denial or just plain stupid? What had she called it again last night...' one of his moods'? So it wasn't the first time this had happened. Wolf felt guilty instantly that he'd perhaps brought on whatever it was that had happened but he was too caught up in his little bubble of fury. The audacity of that woman. And MI bloody 6. Bastards. Bastards. As usual they'd just taken what they wanted and left Cub confused and alone with no support what so ever.
Wait... Wasn't that what he'd done as well? Shit. Everything was going wrong. The shit was hitting the fan with a loud explosion.
"Cub, you can't just-"
"Look, Virgil. You made it clear that you don't want to know me, alright? So fuck it. I'm not going to keep working at something that's supposed to be easy. So what if I sometimes wake up and stay in bed all day because I can't even face the idea of trying to tread water? It's all I can do to keep myself from drowning, y'know? I'm sorry if I can't give you the answers you want but it's as simple as that."
Wolf frowned, inwardly wincing at the use of his first name. He was surprised to see Cub like this. He'd always thought that it was the bullet wounds and beatings that scarred Cub, not the surviving afterwards. Because the kid was right. All he could do when someone else as good as owned him was keep himself from drowning. Wolf didn't want to get mushy or anything but he knew what he was going to have to say. So he took a deep, deep breath and decided to get the awkward things over with as fast as possible.
"You know that you don't have to suffer alone, don't you? Have you tried talking to Jack or a therapist or maybe even-"
"I think it's about time you went home, Virgil."
"Cub-"
"I said, get out." He shut his eyes, speaking calmly but forcefully. He didn't need to say anything more than that. Wolf got the picture. So all that was left to do was yell a little and try to get rid of all his damn frustration.
"Listen, Cub. I know I've been a total prick these past few months and I know I'm a fucking sicko for taking advantage of you when you're obviously not thinking the straightest. I get that I'm a piece of shit and I know I'm not some fucking mushy, emotional dick who can take you out for dinner and bring you flowers. I know I'm possibly even more fucking dysfunctional than you. But once you start to let it touch you, once it gets into your head and behind your mask and those faces start haunting your nightmares, you get fucking help. You're not the first and you're not the last to get fucked over by MI6. But you're just going to bury your head in the sand, smoke some dope and hope things get better?" Wolf growled.
"I-"
"No. Listen. I can't be with you all the time. I can't keep you safe. But when you come back I can be there to do something, anything to help you. You don't have to sink or swim, Alex. You just have to live and do what you can to feel okay. You don't even have to be normal. I'm not going to use you anymore, alright? I'm still a bastard, but I'm not going to ever fuck you over like I did last time. But you have to talk to someone, alright? Talk to Jack. She seems like a nice, well-adjusted, capable woman. But I-"
"Get. Out. Of. My. House." Alex chewed the words out venomously.
Wolf glowered and without saying another word turned and ran down the stairs and out the front door, kicking over a bin angrily. An array of conflicting emotions snaked around and around his stomach as he trudged in the direction of the nearest bus stop feeling numb and exhausted and more than anything, furious.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
He was fucking drowning in the trouble Alex Rider seemed to stir up behind him everywhere he went.
"Hello, Virgil. This is, um, Jack Starbright... Um, I found your number in Alex's phone and I remembered you said you were his friend so I... I just called to let you know that Alex will be back from St. Sebastian's Hospital this morning. I don't know if he told you but he's, well, he went to get... um... help. As far as I can tell, he just, uh, decided that he needed some help. We'll be back home at maybe two and I wondered if maybe you wanted to... um... stop by? I think he'd like to see someone. The last few days have been a little rough on him and I think he could maybe use a guy around. Anyway, if you don't want to, it's fine. I just... I wanted to extend the invitation. And to say thank you. Whatever you said to him, it really sunk in. Thank you, um, Virgil. Hope to talk to you soon."
His voicemail beeped at the end of the recording and Wolf ground his teeth together. Virgil. So Jack knew his name as well now? Bugger.
Jack was clearly pretending that everything was alright. But Wolf could hear the sadness in her voice and he just knew that Alex wouldn't want him over. He knew it. He wanted to go see the kid and join in the act but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Things were so fucked up. Suddenly, simple and easy seemed good again. Why hadn't Cub been happy with that? Why did life always have to try and get one up on Wolf?
Of course, Wolf was a glutton for self hate. So he shrugged on his coat, snatched his car keys up and pressed the missed call button to ring Jack back and tell her that he was on his way over.
The twenty minute drive to Cub's seemed like an eternity. Finally, Wolf pulled into the driveway and cut his engine, locking up and walking silently up to the front door. He knocked once and Jack answered almost instantly, a bright smile on her face.
"Virgil! It's just great that you stopped by." Her eyes danced in her head and flickered to the ceiling, obviously wondering about how Alex would receive Wolf's 'surprise' visit. They dimmed slightly when she noticed Wolf's tense scowl.
"Let's just keep it as Wolf, shall we?" he replied curtly. She grinned and nodded before making some sort of shooing gestures, batting Wolf to the foot of the stairs without ever actually touching him. "Alex is in his room. You can go on up. Just leave the door open, alright?"
Wolf nodded and started up the stairs slowly while Jack wandered back into what appeared to be a sitting room. When he reached Alex's room he pushed the door open softly, leaving it gently on the latch behind him as a sort of a compromise.
Alex sat at his desk, schoolbooks open in front of him. He turned around in his chair and didn't look even the slightest bit surprised to find Wolf standing just inside his room awkwardly, unsure suddenly of what to do. This entire game was new to him, these new rules foreign and unfamiliar.
"Before you start, can I go first?" Alex asked as Wolf moved over to perch on the side of his bed. He nodded mutely and Alex began.
"I know Jack told you where I was and I think you know why. The doctor was a special one who knows all about the spying and he said it was a perfectly human reaction to feel... sad. He told them to lay off for a while on the missions and they said they would, but I don't if they'll hold to that. Anyway, I want you to know that I'm not going to be drinking or smoking anything anymore, if I can help it. I want to say thank you, Wolf. I've got a therapist in school too who showed me you were being reasonable the other day." Alex walked in slow circles from one wall to the other, pacing.
"That's good. Your therapist is right. I'm perfectly reasonable," Wolf said, nodding slowly.
"And don't worry about anything else," Alex continued as if Wolf hadn't even spoken. "I know now what we were doing was wrong and I won't bother you again, alright?"
"What?" Wolf snapped sharply, stiffening.
"I just want you to know I'm getting help. And I'll leave you alone now. Thanks for talking to me though, I know you're really busy. It's more than I deserve, really," Alex continued. Wolf froze, his brain trying to process slowly what it was that Cub was saying. That what they'd done was wrong? Shit. That wasn't Cub talking. No way.
"What exactly did this therapist tell you, Alex? You're seventeen. She can't tell you what to do. Did she say that because I'm a... and you're, well, you know, also a..." Wolf trailed off pathetically, blushing furiously.
"No. It's because we did all the sex first before we did anything else. She's nice. We were fucked up, Wolf. I couldn't stop feeling that maybe, well, maybe that I wanted more than sex. And you didn't. But it's fine. Honestly. I understand now. We wanted different things. I'm glad it's out in the open now because-"
"You want to know about me Cub? Fire away. Anything you want to know, I'll tell you. You wanted to know why I have, I mean had, a Spice Girls CD? I have a god daughter who occasionally stays with me. I went to university at Cambridge. I like watching football and playing tennis. I play the saxophone but I haven't played in years. My favourite colour is red and I support Manchester United. And as for you? I don't just want to fuck you Cub, alright? Let's leave it at that, please, before I get sappy," he reached out and pulled Alex down onto the floor with him, holding him tightly. "I think that we're just fine, Alex."
They'd been in that exact position in Wolf's flat more than a week before, just before Alex had left. Now they were there again but neither of them was leaving. This wasn't lust. This was something much stronger, much harder to work with that Wolf couldn't bring himself to confess.
This was them.
"I'm really fucked up right now, Wolf. I don't think it's a quick fix kind of problem and I don't think it's going to be easy to live," Alex whispered lowly into Wolf's ear after a minute or two, voice hoarse and jagged and raw with whatever it was that this was. Thank God Cub wasn't going to cry, Wolf thought guiltily. He didn't know if he was comfortable enough to handle tears yet.
"I know," Wolf replied bluntly. "I also know that if you ever call me Virgil again I won't be responsible for what happens. But I'm going to be here for you now, whenever I can be. Whatever you need me to be Cub, I'll be."
"I believe you," Alex answered. He smiled into Wolf's neck and kissed the skin there once. Wolf rumbled with laughter and Alex smiled again.
"So, a Cambridge boy? Looks like we're going to have a problem, doesn't it? I mean, Manchester United? Pathetic," Alex jeered playfully.
Wolf growled slightly and kissed Alex again, loving that he could do that as much as he wanted now.
Things were good again, better than ever before. Better than either of them could have hoped. Wolf was comfortable to just enjoy what was happening. Alex felt better knowing that maybe, just maybe, he might have found someone who wouldn't judge him. Who would be as impartial as Jack but without the whole guardianship thing.
Of course, it was fragile and new. And it was going to be hard. But neither of them cared because in the real world, nobody really lives happily ever after. There was no instant fix for Alex and they both knew that they had a long and tedious foreseeable future. It might have been fragile.
But there was reassurance in that they both wanted this.
And if nothing else, this was hope.
